I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
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Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Note to self: always read the final line
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher