Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
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The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
😂😂😂
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi: