religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
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gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?