I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
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Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Discuss
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps