Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
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no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.