Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
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YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?