Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
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sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Easy enough.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
The news
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.