Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
You Might Also Like
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
why does this building look like a guilty dog
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him