“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
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Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything