day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
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The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
good for her
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.