No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
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KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.