USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
You Might Also Like
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.