so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
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After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”