Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
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Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’