ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
You Might Also Like
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
The sacred texts.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?