Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
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[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
How to wake up a Beagle
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
favorite tropes as memes
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.