Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
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“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
love it when they get my name right
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”