Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
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During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Breaking news:
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Why is no one talking about this?!
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.