There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
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Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
how to have an accident 101
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
We cut our bangs at dawn.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
scrabbled eggs
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank