I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
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[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
This hospital has everything
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0