My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
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Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
…u ok Nintendo?
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Meow
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
#dalle2
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.