Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
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(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.