5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
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judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder