accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
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“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Weirdly Wednesday.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.