Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
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How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Nothing to do, you say?
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Cucumbers Anonymous
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.