People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
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Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Going into Monday like
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.