Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
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When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Rooting for the overdog
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Every house has this drawer
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.