In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
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John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
This bar smells like my childhood.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.