i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
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I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.