[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
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My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
sigh
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Spider-cat: No One Home
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not