Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
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I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property