‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
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Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
My kitchen overserved me.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED