“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
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Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.