After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
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3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me: