I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
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I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2