For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
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Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
😲 WTF? 😆
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.