Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
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The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.