people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
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Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive