“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
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My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi