Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
You Might Also Like
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
This guy’s not having it 😆
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.