Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
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*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
True freaking story!
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
termite twitter scares me
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high