Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
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Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.