Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
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I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math