Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
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angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Saving my good tweets for marriage
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
this post was so formative to me
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Hmmmmm
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
That’s incredible! 👌
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.