Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
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Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
From my Mom
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok