please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
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The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.