ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
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some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
These dogs look like they have good credit.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
was Jim off killing horses or…
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”