I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
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waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Breaking news:
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.