My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
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listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together