Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
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The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
[loses house key, starts a new life]
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.